Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Waiting

I hate waiting. Hate it. I don't like to wait to buy things or wait for a table at a restaurant or wait in traffic or wait in line (especially at the pharmacy). It's just not fun. And two weeks of waiting to see if fertility treatments were a success? Absolute torture. Really, science has come far enough that fertility treatments are possible, and yet you still have to wait and see. Ugh. So I'm waiting. Dr. Wing is still extremely confident. I'm still saying that I bet it won't work this time, but I think that's a defense mechanism of mine. (Maybe if I'm not quite so hopeful it won't hurt as badly when I learn that I'm (yet again) not pregnant?) He vetoed my vote, though, and he's going as far as to even have me start on Crinone (a progesterone medication) tonight. I took it last time, but only started taking it after we found out I was pregnant. It's supposed to increase my chances of keeping a baby. The problem is the insurance company won't pay for it until I suffer "recurrent losses". Isn't that sweet of them? So that means we have to pay $250 for--get this--an 18 DAY SUPPLY. That means, friends, that if I am indeed pregnant I will have to refill the prescription at least once (if not more) until Dr. Wing says it's okay to stop taking it. People say kids are expensive....So is trying to have one! The money we've spent so far is unreal. We've cut things here and there and made it work, but it's kind of sickening when I think about the money we've spent and the fact that we have nothing to show for it. But what can we do other than spend the money and try again? I'll never be able to have a baby without the help of medicine. That's just how it is. It's the hand we've been dealt. I'm giving this every possible chance to work--I'm following all of Dr. Wings rules. I'm taking the vitamins and medications (regardless of the cost), drinking lots of fluids, not doing anything even remotely questionable....and praying that I'm not doing it all for nothing.

It seems like I've lived the past two years of my life thinking that I might be pregnant. It's really a bit ridiculous when you think about it. Every month I think, "Oh, I shouldn't do that. I might be pregnant." Ridiculous. In fact, I finally realized how ridiculous it was and that there was no way I was pregnant in March even with fertility treatments (after all, I wasn't supposed to be able to get pregnant without surgery) and decided to move all the desks in my classroom. Then--surprise!--I was pregnant after all. See? That's how my luck goes. Then I spent the longest time thinking, "Crap! What did I do?!?!" but managed to keep the baby. Then I lost the baby, but it had nothing to do with moving the desks. Sigh.

I'm trying not to think about what might have been or what could be, but focus on the present. That's a hard thing to do, but, for the sake of my sanity, I'm trying. Basically, to me, "focus on the present" means "throw myself into as many things as possible to stay as busy as possible in order to have as little time to think as possible". Simple, huh? Sooooo.....I'm teaching a summer camp group at North Brook this week, organizing the house, searching for decorating ideas for the house, shopping for the house, slowly decorating the house, unpacking boxes that are still in the basement, and organizing the kitchen cabinets and our closet. I also have Lucy to keep me busy. Not to mention the fact that we bought a saltwater aquarium for the sole purpose of filling an empty spot in our living room. My theory was that it would be more entertaining and colorful than a bookshelf. True, but it's a lot more work than a bookshelf, too. But we're finally adding fish (saltwater aquariums have to cycle first before fish can be added) and they're pretty, so all is well. Only two have died so far so I consider that a success. Add facebook and farmtown to all of that, and I've filled my days quite nicely.

But then there are the moments when I think about what if the treatment isn't a success. They sneak up on me and fill my mind and heart with doubt and fear. That would mean that another month (and lots of money) was wasted. It makes me tired to think about that and what it will mean--another month of having blood drawn, ultrasounds, medicine, and shots. I've always thought hope was a good thing, but the last two years have taught me that it's kind of dangerous, too. It definitely opens you up to heartache. My heart hurts when I think about all of this. We have experienced a range of emotions over the last few months that go from elation to absolute despair and everywhere in between. I would like to get off this roller coaster now, thankyouverymuch. I wish someone would have asked if I really wanted to get on in the first place. But I suppose that's just life, right? I know that when we finally do have a sweet little baby, we will love him or her so much and our joy will be so much deeper because of what we have gone through to have him or her. The thought of a baby keeps us going.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

REACH appointment

My appointment today at REACH went well. The ultrasound and blood work showed that the Letrozole and Prednisone did what they were supposed to do (create eggs on both sides, not just one, and make the eggs big enough to actually become something). I'm supposed to take the Ovidrel injection between 6:00 and 8:00 tonight. Of course, I'm a bit obsessive-compulsive, so this time frame just leaves me with questions--What's the best time? Right after 6? Right before 8? At 7 on the dot? *sigh* The other problem with the shot is that it goes in my stomach (eeek!) and is self-administered. I can't bear the thought of sticking myself in the stomach, so I have to find someone else who is 1) willing, and 2) semi-qualified. Bradley would be a likely candidate, but sometimes I wonder if he would enjoy that just a little too much. My mom gave me the last one, so I imagine she could be persuaded to do it again. Given her experience working in a doctor's office, I think she's a reasonable choice.

So I'll take the Ovidrel sometime between 6:00 and 8:00 and hope I pick the perfect time. Then we'll wait for two weeks (two loooooong weeks) and see if the whole treatment process was a success or not. Please continue to keep us in your prayers!

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Starting Over Again

Today was my "let's start over" appointment at REACH. (I know--an appointment on a Sunday? REACH is open 365 days a year because all of this is so time-sensitive.) After an ultrasound and some blood tests (which I had to be stuck THREE TIMES for), Dr. Wing decided we were good to go. I start taking the medicines again tonight. I'll go back to REACH on June 18 for another ultrasound and blood test so we'll know when I have to take the injection. I am so thankful that everything is back to normal and we're starting over again. This has been, by far, the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life. Although I'll never forget the baby we lost, I'm glad we have hope for the future and I'm glad we can begin to focus on that. I finally feel like I can put the last four months behind me and start moving forward. I can breathe again.