Friday, August 28, 2009

A New Month, A New Look for the Blog

Look! It's a new background and header! I'm still not sure if I like it or not, but it's going to stay this way for awhile. Between me being indecisive and Blogger being difficult last night, this took a long time. It's different and it's okay and it's going to stick around. For a few days at least. :)

I didn't post yesterday about the appointment at REACH (Blogger was being difficult, remember?) so here goes: The appointment was with one of my least favorite doctors (sigh) but he was okay. He was running insanely late (how can you be behind at 7 in the morning???), which made me later than what I thought I would be, but that was okay, too. The ultrasound was fine. The lady who drew my blood was a little overconfident which lead to her being a little rough (in my--at this point--very experienced opinion), but she got it on the first try so I guess it was okay. The blood results came back fine, the nurse called yesterday and said everything was good to go for the Letrozole. I started taking it last night and will continue to do so for the next three days. (Hello, hot flashes and irritability--I've missed you for the last two weeks. I almost forgot how truly wonderful you are.) I go back to REACH on September 5, which is a Saturday. Since it is a Saturday, when the nurse called she said (in this really excited voice), "I put you in at 7:45 rather than 7 since it's a Saturday!" like she had really done something. Oh well. I guess anything is better than 7, but that still means we'll leave home at a ridiculous time for a Saturday morning.

We're hoping for the best. This is the last month before we move on to injections. We need this to work. Prayers are appreciated!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Goodbye, Month 25. Hello, Month 26 and a New School Year.

So last month wasn't a success. That was a pretty depressing way to start the first day of school. We're disappointed, of course. I've thought about what to do all day. Should we try just the Letrozole again next month? Or should we wait a few months, build our savings up a little, and try the (expensive!) injections? Or should we give up, buy me a new car, and actually be able to see where our money is going rather than having nothing to show for it? I didn't call REACH today because I didn't really know what to tell them. That, and the fact that, usually, if I call on the first day I struggle not to cry while I admit failure to the nurse once again. Our decision about what to do is complicated by a $5000 lifetime limit for fertility treatments. (Really, I just love my insurance company.) As of right now, we've used up $1200 of that lifetime limit. It's really scary to think about. What happens if we reach the $5000 limit and still don't have a baby? Then what? I just don't understand how they can put a lifetime limit on something like this.

After Bradley and I talked through everything, we decided to go ahead and try one more month. It's so hard to stop trying. It will be the last month of the Letrozole only, so we might as well try it. It should only tack on another $500 or so to that lovely lifetime limit. After this time, if it doesn't work, we'll take a few months off and then try the injections. All of this is so stressful. We just want a baby. Is that too much to ask?

Today was the first day of the new school year. I was excited to get back into the classroom and meet a new group of students. The new year is always so full of promise and possibilities. I'm hoping for a good year, both personally and professionally. I need a good year.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Focusing on the Positive

I haven't updated recently. (Obviously.) That's partly due to being so busy right now, but mostly due to the fact that I feel like I repeat myself over and over and over. The process is the same every month. But, in case you're wondering, I had an appointment at REACH on August 11 and took the Ovidrel injection then. My blood work came back fine, and the ultrasound showed one "perfect" egg, according to Dr. Wing. We are now halfway through the Two Week Wait.
This month has been different than most. Usually I can't get it off my mind. Usually I spend every quiet moment not just praying but begging God to give us a baby. This month, though, I haven't thought about it constantly. And my begging has turned to gentle prayers, knowing that I am not in control. Sure, I've thought about it. I have to keep it in mind--for half of the month, I have to be conscious of the fact that there could indeed be a baby, and I have to follow Dr. Wing's rules in order to protect what could be there. But it hasn't consumed me this time like it normally does. I made the decision early on this month to focus on what I do have. I have a wonderful husband and family, terrific friends, a job I love, a new house, Lucy. Bradley and I are healthy, and so is the rest of my family, including all four of my grandparents. Sometimes I forget how much of a blessing that is. Rather than always wanting more, I've decided to just be grateful. Life is not always fair, but there is always hope for tomorrow and blessings to be found. You just have to keep your eyes, and heart, open. Do we still want a baby? Of course. More than anything. But I just can't let it consume me anymore. There's too much to be happy about to focus on the one thing we don't have. I'm not saying that I'm giving up. I'm not. But I am going to start enjoying life a little more, and I'm going to focus on the good things and what I have now. Not what I could have had. Not what I may have one day. But what I have right now, in this moment. I'm going to enjoy it, and be grateful.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Maybe the Third Month's the Charm?

This week has been....interesting. I don't really think that's the word for it, but I can't come up with anything else right now.

On Sunday we came back from the beach. We had a wonderful time. It was nice to get away. Lucy wasn't a big fan of the ocean, and she didn't like people running on the beach. If they were walking, that was fine. But running? She wasn't going to have it! Too funny.

On Monday we woke up to a very sick schnauzer and of course I was just in pieces over it. This is not your average we wanted a pet kind of dog. Oh no. This dog is a hundred times more than that. I was terrified she was dying. Terrified. Words can't even describe how I felt. We were at the animal hospital as soon as it opened, and I know the vet thought I, with my tear-filled eyes, was a crazy person. But she isn't a regular dog! So after tests, blood work, and an examination, it was determined that Lucy had a UTI that could be treated with antibiotics. No kidney or liver issues. No terrible diseases. Thank you Lord! She's on a special diet now and can only drink purified water, but will be just fine. She's back to her normal self, tearing around the house and getting into things. Making up for lost time, I suppose.

On Wednesday we celebrated our third wedding anniversary! Bradley is a wonderful husband and I am so blessed. The past year has been stressful--we built a house, found out why we couldn't get pregnant, started fertility treatments, lost our baby--but we've dealt with things together and have grown closer. It's also been a wonderful year too....We moved into our house in December, saw a miracle on an ultrasound screen in March, laughed, and loved. We've come a long way in a year. I never thought it would be possible to love him more than I did on our wedding day, but I do. What a wonderful life.

On Thursday we learned that the treatment was not a success. It was our second round of treatment since the miscarriage. It was a huge disappointment. We spent a lot of time talking about stopping treatment. It's what our lives revolve around right now, and it's so stressful. Not to mention the financial burden of it all. We've spent thousands of dollars on fertility treatments in just a few short months. It's very discouraging to think of all the money that has been, essentially, wasted. But it's also very hard to stop trying. Now I think we both understand how addictive gambling could be--you think that next time is going to be it! Just $20 more (or another month of fertility treatment in our case) and we'll win big! I can totally see it. So we're not stopping. Not yet anyway.

Today I went back to REACH for the standard blood work and ultrasound. It was Dr. Wing's weekend. Yay! We spent awhile talking about options. He still says it's going to work. We'll give it another two months, and if I'm not pregnant we'll start daily injections in additon to the medicines and Ovidrel injection. He explained today that those injections will carry a high risk of multiples (eek!), and we'll have to discuss a lot of things before we start them. The medicine I take every month has a smaller chance of multiples. (Last month, for instance, they told us there was a good chance of twins based on the ultrasound.) Multiples are considered a complication. Dr. Wing wants us to have as many babies as we want, but one at a time. (He says that on a really regular basis, as if we can control how many we have at one time.) PCOS put me in danger of a complicated pregnancy and higher risk of miscarriage anyway, so I understand that more than one would definitely be a reason for concern. However, selective reduction is not an option in our opinion. These are all things we'll have to discuss and work through before starting the injections, but those are worries for another day. That's months down the road, and hopefully we won't even have to discuss it! I'm optimistic today. There's no reason why it shouldn't work this month. No reason at all. Maybe the third month will be the charm!