Saturday, September 26, 2009

Taking a Break

We are not going back to REACH this month. Or next month. We're probably not going the month after that either. Really, I don't know when we're going back.

We just can't do it anymore. It's too much. We're taking a break. I talked to the nurse at REACH on Tuesday, and she agreed that a break might be a good thing. We've only been going to REACH since February, but we've been trying to have a baby for over two years now. We are financially, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I feel like I am a shell of the person I once was. This experience has changed me so much.

I need to find myself again.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Negative

I really thought this was the month. I was so sure, I just couldn't wait any longer to confirm it. So I took a pregnancy test at 2 o'clock this morning...and it was negative. Another negative test. I am so tired of failing that test. I never want to take another one again. Ever. In the past two years I have taken so many that I should have bought stock in one of the companies. Or maybe I could get paid for writing reviews of the different brands because, believe me, I've tried--and failed--them all. It's been over two years and I've only seen a positive result one time. One time.

I am broken. Damaged. Not whole. And maybe positive results are not for me.

Friday, September 11, 2009

What a Blessing!

We are now a few days into our Two Week Wait. It's always such a hard time. There's a fine line between being optimistic and realistic. I want to stay positive, but at the same time I don't want to be so terribly disappointed again. Waiting is hard.

Equally hard is paying for the Crinone. Crinone is a progesterone medication that I take every other day until we find out if I'm pregnant or not. If I am, I begin taking it every day. If I'm not, I stop taking it until the next month's TWW. My insurance will not cover the Crinone because I have not suffered "recurrent losses". Why one loss is not enough, I don't know. But anyway, they refuse to pay for the Crinone even partially, which leaves us with the entire amount. The cost is around $250 for eighteen days worth of medicine. Now, when I was pregnant, I didn't mind paying the $250 at all. I knew it would help our baby to have a better chance of survival. But we've paid for Crinone for four months now, and there has been nothing there for the Crinone to help survive. That's a little depressing. Bradley and I talked about it the other day and what a position it puts us in--Do we pay for it for another month, even if it's in vain? Or do we take a chance and not get the Crinone? But then what if (miracle of miracles!) there is a baby? How guilty would we feel if something happened to it? Do we ask for another progesterone medication that may be cheaper? Would it be as good as the Crinone though? It's really a hard place to be.

I called my nurse at REACH this afternoon with my dilemma. Basically I told her everything in the above paragraph, and she said, "I know, Adrian, I know." Then she said a few magic words--"We just got in a couple of boxes of samples." Samples! Samples of Crinone are rare! The only samples I've ever received were on the day we found out I was pregnant, and they only gave me enough to get through until my order from the fertility pharmacy came. But the sweet, wonderful, kind lady is going to give me enough samples to get us through the TWW! I was thrilled!

This may seem like nothing to some people. But we have spent so much money on doctor's visits, medicines, injections, tests, and hospital bills (just finished paying for the D&E--what a nightmare) that this is a wonderful blessing for us. To add to the blessing, a hummingbird was at our Peanut's hummingbird feeder right after I got off the phone with the nurse. After we lost our Peanut, I cried and cried about how we would never have anything solid to remember her. No grave, no marker, nothing. I needed something physical, something that said she had existed and wouldn't be forgotten. So we have a hummingbird feeder. We put it up before I had the D&E. I had never been much of a bird watcher before, but I am now. Those hummingbirds have been a source of joy this summer. The first one showed up a couple of days after the D&E, and they've frequented the feeder since then. They are a reminder to me that life goes on and is still beautiful. I thought they had left for the season since none had been around recently and that made me so sad. To my amazement, though, as soon as I hung up the phone one stopped by the feeder and then came closer to the window than they normally do. It hovered there as if it knew I needed to see it. It gave me such a peaceful feeling.

Maybe things are looking up. :)

Saturday, September 5, 2009

*Fingers Crossed*

Today was my appointment at REACH for another ultrasound and more blood work. Both were fine. There are two eggs on the right and one on the left. That's a little scary, but it gives us more of a chance for a pregnancy. At this point we'll take whatever we can get.

We've talked about taking a break if this month is not a success. This has taken over our lives, and it has worn us down. It's also beginning to be a financial burden. But, even though I can see that taking a break is probably the best thing, I know it's going to break my heart to stop going. I just hope we don't have to make that decision at all. I hope this month is a success.

Our fingers are crossed. Please, Lord, let this be the month.