Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Today is Wednesday--I think--Yes--Wednesday. That would be day 3 of diagnosed pneumonia, day 8 of not feeling well at all. It would, I'm sure, be day 8 of dignosed pneumonia had I actually had the sense to realize that there was something very wrong and go to the doctor before Monday. But I didn't. Nope. I thought it wasn't anything major. The only reason I went on Monday was because of a crackling sound when I exhaled. I admit, that got my attention pretty fast. One doctor's visit and a chest x-ray later, I was told I had pneumonia. Really, who has pneumonia and doesn't know it? So I have been stuck in the house for days now. Days. I am not used to this. The first two years of teaching, I didn't miss a single day. Last year I missed a few days--the day I found out we were pregnant and had to immediately go to REACH to confirm it, a couple of days when I had mid-day appointments at REACH, the day after we lost the baby, a couple of days for the D&E. I'm not going back until Friday (tentatively. Depends on my ability to breathe.). That means I will have missed five days in a row. Unheard of. For me, at least.

Back to the doctor's appointment for a minute. I saw a new doctor on Monday. My family doctor is retiring soon, and I knew I would have to find a new doctor anyway. I took a suggestion from a colleague and went to see her doctor. I absolutely loved him. He took so much time with me even though I was a work-in and he had lots of other patients. I mean, he acted like there was nobody there but me. No rushed "let's find out what's wrong and move on" attitude. Nothing like that at all. I was amazed by that right away. When filling out the typical paperwork, I had to list all those medicines that don't make any sense and record a D&E on the "surgical procedures" part. He was going over the paperwork and when he got to that part he stopped. He spent a long time talking about miscarriage. He told me he had started out as a doctor in the Navy and had dealt with lots of couples who suffered miscarriages. He said he'd watched friends and family struggle with infertility. Then he said that society just doesn't get it--that our society doesn't treat the loss of pregnancies like the deaths that they are. He understood and was so incredibly kind. Dr. Wing had been my only other doctor who seemed to really listen and understand everything we were going through. My regular gynecologist certainly does not. (Comment from her at my last appointment upon learning of the miscarriage: "At least you know you can get pregnant.") I just didn't expect a doctor to care that much. I was very impressed.

Even though I felt worse physically than I think I've ever felt before, I left the office feeling better mentally than I've felt in awhile. I think it was just that someone understood and cared and didn't brush it off. Am I still aware that November 30 is approaching? Yes. Does the thought of that still make me sad? Absolutely. But I don't feel as fragile as what I felt last week. That is a wonderful feeling. Now if I could just get to feeling better physically, I'd be set. :)

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Life Goes On

Life goes on.
If there's one thing I'm sure of, it's this. Life does not stop for anyone or anything. No matter how good or bad the moment, it will not last. The morning after we learned we had lost the baby, I woke up and was absolutely shocked that the sun was shining. Life had gone on, and so had the world. And it continues to. Sometimes it just surprises me that time really is passing. Some days I feel like April 22 was a lifetime ago. Other days I feel like it was yesterday.
But time is passing, and a reminder of that arrived in our mailbox this week. A small package from Huggies containing a newborn diaper sample and information. On the front was a big card that said "Congratulations! You're almost there!" I should be almost there. I should be eight months pregnant and preparing for the November 30 due date of our baby girl.
But I'm not. And that still breaks my heart every time I think about it.