Thursday, December 31, 2009

Goodbye, 2009

Yesterday I was being a bit of a downer. Bradley was talking about 2009, and the fact that it had been a pretty good year....and I asked him where he'd been living. After he gave me an annoyed look, he began listing good things about 2009. It turns out that 2009 had it's good points: We experienced such joy and excitement in March and we saw a miracle on an ultrasound screen at the beginning of April. We got a precious schnauzer at the end of April. We celebrated three years of marriage in July. We celebrated birthdays and holidays with our families. We've been healthy.

2009 was absolutely horrible at times, too. But we all know about that, and I'm not going to dwell on it today. I can't change any of it, no matter how much I want to. I will say that 2009 changed us, especially me, and probably not for the better.

Will I be sad to see 2009 go? Not really. At one point, I really thought 2009 would be one of the best years of our lives. At a meeting a couple of weeks ago, the leader asked us to name our biggest accomplishment in 2009. I couldn't come up with anything. I never accomplished the goal/dream I poured myself into. I spent all my time focusing on that one dream, and I have nothing to show for it other than a terribly broken heart that can't quite seem to mend itself.

This Christmas I didn't say, "By next Christmas, we'll have a baby," like I have for the past three years. And I'm not going to go into 2010 saying, "2010 is our year!" I know better than that. I know that saying things like that only leads to feelings of emptiness the following year when you have to say it again, and I'm not saying things like that anymore. What I'm saying is this: There is always hope.

I'm thankful we survived 2009, as individuals and as a couple. Enough said.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Christmas '09

Oh, Christmas. I decorated, shopped, cleaned, cooked, and wrapped for you. And you were over in the blink of an eye. All I have left is a spare bedroom filled with Christmas chaos, one tree that needs to be taken down, one tree that needs to be planted, ornaments that need to go back in their boxes, and outdoor decorations that need to be stored. And a lot of random pieces of wrapping paper stashed throughout the house that the schnauzer stole and hid on Christmas morning. Lucy continues to celebrate Christmas by tearing said wrapping paper into a thousand little pieces and leaving it for us to find. This morning, Christmas happened in our closet. I really don't know how many pieces she took, but I'm afraid she may be celebrating until July.

I'm always sad when Christmas is over. (Almost as sad as when the summer comes to an end. Almost.) I suppose it's because of the anticipation of it all. It just seems like we spend so much time preparing for Christmas, and then it goes by so quickly. We had a good Christmas, though. We enjoyed spending time with our family, especially those we don't see often. And although it's not about the gifts, I must say that Bradley did an excellent job shopping this year. :)

I am so thankful that we were able to spend another Christmas with our families. All four of my grandparents are still with us, and that is such a blessing! I'm also incredibly thankful that we have Lucy this year. Here's a picture of her modeling her new jacket. Precious!

We hope you had a good Christmas!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

No Miracle Today

Yesterday I was hoping for a Christmas miracle. Today, yet again, I'm painfully aware that there will be no miracle for us. We haven't been to REACH in a couple of months, but the medication was supposed to stay in my system for awhile. Last night I realized I was seven days late. That's never happened before. For just a few hours, I was hopeful. I thought that maybe, just maybe....but no. A test confirmed that this morning. I wouldn't have tested at all, but I know that, if I do get pregnant, I have to be put on medicine right away. Now I'm wondering if there's something else wrong....sigh.

When will it be our turn? When will things finally work out for us? Even though we're taking a break from REACH, it never leaves my mind. I pray for it every day. The one thing I want so very much is the one thing I can't have. I'm so sick of all this. I'm sick of it, but accustomed it it at the same time. Today there were no tears, no curling up in a ball and asking God, Why? I fully expected a negative result even though I felt hopeful. That's just our life.

I'm thankful that Bradley looked at the test and I didn't have to. I left it on the bathroom counter, he looked at it, told me the results, and threw it away. I didn't have to see the words "Not Pregnant" on the little digital screen this time. A strange thing to be thankful for, I know, but I just didn't want to see a negative result again. I'm thankful he knew that without me saying it.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Catching Up

Life has been busy lately. I can't believe it's nearly Christmas. I haven't posted in a while, so here are a few things to catch up on. Random, I know, but I feel like I need to update.

Christmas Pictures: We met with Jami for a photo session a few weeks ago for our Christmas pictures. We've never done Christmas pictures before, or a photo card, but it seemed like a good idea. We got the picture CD today, and, oh my gosh, the pictures are wonderful! Jami did such a great job! I can't wait to choose and order our Christmas cards.

Peanut's Angel Tree: What started out as a pretty barren tree is now nearly full. It's really amazing to think about all the people who have given us angels for our tree. We feel so loved, and we are so blessed to have all of these wonderful people in our lives. Lucy likes the tree, too--she often stops by and grabs a bite of a low branch!

Student Teacher: I recently learned that I will have a student teacher for the spring semester. Although it makes me somewhat nervous, I'm looking forward to it. I think it's a wonderful opportunity.

REACH: To go back or not to go back. That is the question. Well, not really. We know we'll go back (Obviously. How else are we going to have a baby?). The real question is, when? On one hand, it's been kind of nice not having to worry about going for treatments the last couple of months. On the other hand, though, it feels like we're wasting time. Now, I know that we've got time. Age is the one thing we actually have on our side. But I worry that we're running out of insurance time. So many companies are changing their policies and what they cover, specifically infertility. I just wonder how long it will be before my insurance company decides that infertility is no longer worthy of coverage. Then what would we do? Insurance worries aside, I feel that I'm ready (emotionally) to try again. A few months ago I was just tired....tired of treatments, tired of appointments, tired of negative results month after month. I feel (somewhat) rested and relaxed now. I say somewhat because I'll never be completely relaxed. Infertility is far too stressful to be completely relaxed. But, right now, I'm probably as close to relaxed as I can be. I'm still not sure that that means it's time to go back. It just means I'm thinking about it.

Thanks for reading this hodgepodge of a post. :)

Although I haven't been posting lately, I have still been finding one thing to be thankful for every day. Today I am thankful for Jami. Jami and I have worked together for 3 years, but have become friends in the last year or so. She is a wonderful listener....even when I repeat the same problems and feelings day after day. I am blessed to have such a great friend.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Under Construction

Please excuse the mess! I'm making some changes to the blog. It always takes a long time for me to get everything just right....and I'm very indecisive! So if you happen to visit and see a lot of mismatched colors, backgrounds, and headers, you'll know what's going on! :)