Now I know why.
This will be our fifth Christmas as a married couple. The first year, our tree had a definite color scheme. I only decorated with dark red and green, with just a bit of muted gold mixed in. It was a pretty tree, even though the tree itself came to be known as "the Charlie Brown Christmas tree" because of the number of holes it had. Fun memories. :) Anyway, the first year, the tree had a theme. After that year, I stuck to the same theme but began to slowly add other ornaments. Bradley and I have purchased a personalized ornament every year we've been married. Lucy has a First Christmas ornament, and Ethel will have one this year as well. Over the years, I've picked up ornaments here and there. Some are sentimental for one reason or another, others I just like. Last year, we did a tree of just angels in addition to our regular big tree for our sweet Peanut, the baby we lost. Many angels were given to us, and throughout the season we were in a constant search for more.
As November 30 (the anniversary of what would have been her due date in 2009) approached, Bradley and I talked about what to do. We decided that this year, the angels would go on our big tree. We're at a funny place in life. I still think about her and all that could have been. I still wonder why. Even as I feel Aniston move around, even as I'm so thankful for her, even as I love her so very much already....I still miss the first baby. She was a part of me as much as Aniston is now, and the sadness of never meeting her is still very real for me. It's a strange thing to experience joy and sadness like this at the same time. Back to the Christmas tree, though.
Our tree is a hodgepodge, much like my mom's always has been. It's a culmination of sentimental ornaments, lots of angels, and a few solid colors mixed in. I now have too many ornaments that I love and can't bear to leave off the tree. It doesn't have a theme, and it's not all the same color. And it's perfect. It represents us as a couple, the same way my mom's tree has always represented us as a family. The personalized ornaments represent where we've been. The angels represent what we've lost. And Aniston's ornament? It represents where we're going.
Our personalized ornament for 2010