Monday, March 29, 2010

Monday's Appointment

Yay for good news! The injections are doing what they're supposed to be doing! An ultrasound this morning showed that there are follicles on both sides. Two measured 18, one 15, and a couple more are smaller than that....nothing typical of PCOS this time. Last month on Day 12, I had two follicles measuring 18 and 19, so to see the numbers today on Day 9 was fantastic. According to the doctor, things are progressing nicely. I'll do two more injections of Bravelle, then go back on Wednesday for another ultrasound to check again. They want the follicles to be 20 or larger before we do the Ovidrel injection and IUI.

I feel that I've grown so much in my faith through our journey of ours, especially recently. I've cried, questioned, and longed for understanding. I can't say that I have answers to my questions or an understanding of why we're having to go through this to have a family, but I can say that I'm more at peace now than I've ever been. I'm counting my blessings daily....and praying for a miracle.

Then Job replied to the Lord:
I know that you can do all things;
no plan of yours can be thwarted.
--Job 42:1-2

Sunday, March 28, 2010

A Quick Update

It's after 11 and I'm nowhere close to being sleepy enough for bed, even though I have to be at REACH at 7:30 tomorrow morning. Bradley talked me into taking a nap after we got home from church and lunch at his grandmother's. I knew I shouldn't have listened.

As I said in my last post, my appointment is on Day 9 when it's usually on Day 12. When I asked the nurse about this, she explained that Dr. W wanted to keep a close check on everything since this is my first cycle with Bravelle. Fine by me.

I have taken four injections so far, and things are going well. No major side effects. Tonight was the first time the injection hurt. Only one time out of four? I'll take it. The ultrasound tomorrow will determine if we need to do more injections or if we can stop.

A couple with a baby sat in front of us at church today, and for the first time in a really long time I was able to look at a baby and smile. The hope of having a baby in our arms soon was greater than the pain of our journey. That hasn't happened in.....well.....years. It made me feel good. Hopeful.

I'm praying that this is our month. I just keep reminding myself that it's in God's hands, not mine, and that everything will be okay.

God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it,
not without pain but without stain.
--C.S. Lewis

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

A New Month

I went to REACH this morning for the standard blood work and diagnostic ultrasound that always precedes a treatment cycle. Everything looked fine; the blood work was normal and the ultrasound showed no ovarian cysts.

We are moving on, in terms of treatment. This month we will add injections to the existing treatment plan. We originally thought we would do Follistim, but due to some insurance prior authorization issues Dr. W and the nurse decided we would try Bravelle. They were afraid the insurance company would take too long to get their ducks in a row. Fertility treatments are very time sensitive, so it was a legitimate concern. Bravelle is basically the same thing as Follistim, though slightly more expensive. It, too, requires prior authorization because it's a specialty drug, but that didn't matter this time because THEY HAD A SAMPLE ON HAND. Hallelujah! I was so incredibly excited when I heard that. As I've said (many, many) times before, fertility treatments are not cheap. Samples definitely help! I started taking the Letrozole (also known as Femara) tonight. I'll begin the injections on Thursday, and take one every night until Sunday. I will go back for more blood work and another diagnostic ultrasound on Monday. I'm not sure why. We've always done the second round of blood work and ultrasounds on cycle day 12, and Monday will only be day 9. I'm assuming it's because of the new injections, but I'm still wondering what difference it will make. I have to check in with the nurse tomorrow anyway, and I plan to ask why the schedule has suddenly changed.

I was once unsure of moving on to injections [hello, increased chance of multiples], but now I'm ready. I just want to do whatever will give us the best chance of having a baby. Hopefully, this is our month. :)

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams.
May the laughter you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Not Our Month After All

Our 2WW will be over tomorrow, but I just couldn't go on not knowing. This morning I decided to take a test. I was wrong about it being our month.

I surprised myself today. This was the first time that I didn't feel like my entire life was depending on what words appeared in the little window. I knew that the chances of getting pregnant this month were pretty slim. Seeing the words "Not Pregnant" was not a huge shock. After all, how many times have I seen those words in the past three years? I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt, though. There's always that pain, that emptiness, that feeling of absolute brokenness each time another month comes to an end. I can look at the positives and have faith, but I can never seem to escape that awful feeling.

I would have loved to have seen "Pregnant" in the window. Bradley is out of town this weekend, and while I was waiting on the test results I couldn't help but think of all the ways I could surprise him with the news. But it just wasn't our time. I hope that one day soon we will be see a different result, but I'm not absolutely certain that's true. I don't know what God's plan is or when we'll be able to see it. I only know that because it's His plan, and not mine, it is perfect.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Friday, March 12, 2010

Several Things

I have several things to write about tonight. The first is this: I have an amazing husband.

Oh, sure, I get frustrated with him sometimes. Like when he puts things off. Or when he won't wake up when it's 3:30 in the morning and one of the schnauzers is whining to go outside. Or when he locks the door leading into the house from the garage when he knows I'll be coming home soon. And--maybe--I nag him about those things and sometimes complain.

But I know I'm lucky. Bradley is wonderful. Not only is he a good husband in the traditional sense, but he's taken my infertility in stride. Last Thursday evening, he came home with a card for me. It was a simple little card. On the front it said, "I love you," and inside it said, "I love us." But what he wrote beneath those words was what touched my heart. In his familiar scrawl he had written, "I love us, no matter what." Whether this is our month (Please, Lord, let it be.) or not, I'm loved. Our relationship is loved. So maybe it's not exactly what either of us expected when we got married. You never expect that having a baby will be a struggle, or may even be impossible. But we're so blessed to have each other. That card was exactly what I needed that evening. To be reminded that I'm loved, that this relationship is loved, no matter what....What a beautiful thing that is.

We're six days into this 2WW. The 2WW is usually an incredibly difficult time for me. This time, however, it's been different. I know that some people don't believe me when I tell them I'm fine, but I really am. I just feel....peaceful. I can't do anything to change this. It is completely out of my control. A month ago, a sermon was preached about abiding in God. I really struggled with that. Though I'm ashamed to admit it, I often try to do things on my own. Rather than giving it all to God, I often hang on to things....I worry about those things and try to fix them. In the last week or so, I feel my heart has changed. I can't do this on my own. I can't fix the infertility. I have to trust God, abide in him, and know that it's in His hands, not mine. Letting go of the worry and fear has been so refreshing. For the first time in a long time, I can find joy in things. Without the fear and worry crowding my mind, I can focus on what's important now, not what could be or what might have been.

My daddy recently told me that he had a good feeling about this, and that, though he'd never said anything, he just didn't have a good feeling before. He is not a feelings type of man, and I thought it was so strange that he would say something like that to me. I'm still pondering it, but I must say it did make me feel at ease. It still does. I hope he's right.

On a silly note, Bradley and I had dinner at a Chinese restaurant this week. My fortune cookie said my heart's wish would come true. And who can argue with a fortune cookie? :)

This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you:
God is light; in Him, there is no darkness at all.
1 John 1:5

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Thursday's Appointment

The news we received at Thursday's appointment was not exactly what we were hoping for. The ultrasound showed that there are three follicles in my left ovary, two of which are decent sizes. That was the good news. The bad news: The right ovary is typical of PCOS--lots of follicles, but none even close to big enough. The problem is that my left fallopian tube is nearly blocked.


Given the information from the ultrasound, we, along with Dr. Wing, decided that we would cancel the IUI. Dr. Wing is always cost- and insurance-conscious. He's always aware of what our insurance will cover and what it won't, and how much we will have to spend out-of-pocket for fertility treatments. The IUI would be costly, especially since Bradley's insurance won't cover infertility at all and mine would only cover a portion of the procedure. Knowing all of that, we decided to wait until there are follicles on the right side before we do an IUI.

That's not to say that there's no hope for this cycle. There is. As Dr. Wing said, the left side is not blocked; it's just not as open as the right side. And, as he pointed out, we were able to get pregnant "on our own" before.

Thank you to all of those who have been praying for us. I can't begin to explain what a comfort it is to know that so many people are remembering us daily. My mom has always said that miracles happen every day, and I believe that. Please continue to hope and pray with us as we chase our miracle.

When you say a situation or a person is hopeless, you are slamming the door in the face of God.
--Charles Allen