Thursday, May 27, 2010

Surgery Scheduled....

The surgery has been scheduled for Tuesday, June 1. I had my pre-op appointment yesterday with Dr. W. He went over everything and answered all of my questions. He plans to carefully look at both fallopian tubes and get rid of anything that may be causing problems. He'll try to open the one that's nearly blocked, but if he can't he plans to remove it entirely. I am kind of nervous about him removing the tube; after all, once it's gone, it's gone. He explained that, if he can't repair it, leaving it increases my risk of an ectopic pregnancy. Also, if we have to do IVF they will want the tube removed before we begin because it would lower our chances of conception. Hopefully, Dr. W will be able to repair it and find what's causing the problem. The surgery will last for two hours, which is slightly longer than I anticipated. The outcome of the surgery will determine the next step in our treatment plan.

While in a restaurant recently, I heard Michael Buble's "Haven't Met You Yet." I had heard it many times before, but never really listened to the words. I'm certain that he and the other writers were thinking of love rather than infertility and the hope of a baby when they wrote it, but it fits and I like it. It's happy and positive. It's now my ringtone, and serves as a reminder that, one way or another, it's all going to work out.

I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life
--
"Haven't Met You Yet", Michael Buble



Monday, May 24, 2010

Friday, May 21, 2010

A Good Idea

Earlier this week I called REACH to discuss surgery. Dr. W thinks it's a good idea. (Of course he does. It was his idea over year ago. The only thing that changed his mind was the fact that I was miraculously able to conceive before I had the surgery.) He said the timing of it was up to me, and I elected to have the surgery as soon as possible. I want to do it before I lose my nerve.

I've had surgery three times in my life--to clean stuff out of my knee, to put pins, plates, and screws in my ankle, and the D&E. The knee was an elective surgery. The other two, not so much. My knee hurt constantly, so it was a pretty easy decision when the orthopedist said surgery would help. Elective surgeries scare me. If it's something that is causing pain, I have no problem scheduling surgery. Sign me up.

This, though, is different. This is a completely elective surgery, all in hopes of having a baby. I trust Dr. W and I really do think it will help us. But there's this teeny-tiny voice in the back of my mind that whispers, What if it doesn't help? What if you go through all of this and still can't have a baby? What then?

But, really, what other option do I have?

So I take a deep breath....and tell the voice to hush.


If a hurricane doesn't leave you dead
It will make you strong
Don't try to explain it, just nod your head
Breathe in, breathe out, move on.
--Jimmy Buffett


Sunday, May 16, 2010

Disappointed

Webster defines disappointed as "defeated in expectation or hope."

Yeah. That pretty much sums up this cycle. This time, everything was right. There were three good follicles. Bradley's numbers were great. My uterine lining was the thickest its been since starting treatment. (TMI, I know. Sorry.) And yet....I'm still not pregnant.

We're taking a few months off from treatment. It's difficult to continue going month after month for treatments and fail each month. I feel that taking a short break now will keep me from falling back into the dark place I was in last fall. I don't want to return there.

I felt terribly sorry for myself on Friday morning and wallowed in self-pity for awhile. Then I pulled myself together and started developing a plan. I am going to meet with Dr. W for a consultation soon. I want to know if the surgery we discussed last February would be beneficial at this point. I imagine his answer will be yes and, if so , I plan to go ahead with the surgery while we take a break. I am ready to do anything that will give us a better chance, and if surgery will, then so be it.



Because I'll tell you something about myself:
I believe good plans are the best way to maximize fun,
avoid disaster,
and, possibly, save the world.
I spend a lot of my time making them."
--Ida B, Katherine Hannigan


Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Waiting

The first week of the 2WW always flies by. I can push all the worry and anxiety to the back of my mind and forget about it. Life moves at a steady, normal pace.

The second week is a different story.

As Friday slowly approaches, I can't think of anything else. It's the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last at night. It's almost paralyzing at times, the weight of the possibilities pressing down on my shoulders. I constantly run through the scenarios in my mind. What if it's negative? What if it's positive? I'm trying to be hopeful, but it's difficult to even think about a positive result. I've wanted a positive result for so long, but it always seems to be just beyond my reach. Bradley and I were watching Mr. Holland's Opus recently. The scene where Iris surprises Glenn by telling him she's pregnant came on, and I said to Bradley that at least he'll never be surprised by such an announcement. He laughed and jokingly replied that--even with medicines, injections, and IUIs--he'll be more surprised by a pregnancy that Glenn Holland ever was. Funny, but true. When Friday rolls around, a positive test would absolutely shock us both. Not that we're being pessimistic or negative in any way. It's just that after this many months of negatives, a positive would definitely be a surprise. A wonderful surprise, but a surprise just the same.

I know that I have to trust God with this. It's out of my control. All the worrying in the world can't change anything, and I remind myself of that on a daily--no, probably more like hourly--basis. It's hard to let go of the worry. I still wonder why we have to go through this. Why couldn't it be easy for us like it is for so many others? I'm still jealous and bitter at times, though less now than in the past. I'm still struggling, and wondering what the plan is. I still feel like our lives are hanging in the balance this week, and could easily tip either way. It's a scary place to be. Infertility is often abbreviated IF. What a fitting abbreviation. IF this, IF that, what IF?

Yesterday I was having a panicky sort of day. I don't want to see another negative result, but at the same time I can't imagine a positive. Does that make any sense at all? I talked to Bradley about it, and shortly after received a text from him. He sent me a picture of a pregnancy test from last March--the only positive we've ever been blessed with. He's saved it on his phone for a year now as a reminder that miracles do happen. He reminded me of that yesterday. Miracles do happen.

I'm praying we get another miracle this Friday.



Miracles happen to those who believe in them.
--Bernard Berenson