Thursday, November 29, 2012

November 30

Dear Peanut,

Tomorrow is November 30--the anniversary of your due date.  If things would have worked out like I thought  they should, we would be celebrating your third birthday. 

I think of you often.  As I watch your sister grow and change, I wonder what you would have been like.  Would your hair be light and curly like hers?  Would your eyes be blue?  Would you share the same giggle?  Would your eyes wrinkle the same way when you grin?  Would you have a dimple in your chin? 

My heart aches to know you.  You were, and still are, a part of me.  There will always be a hole in my heart that never quite heals, a completeness that I'll never know.  I know that's difficult for others to understand, but you were my child even though I never held you in my arms.  I will never forget seeing you for the first time on the ultrasound screen and watching the precious flicker of your heartbeat. 

You still have a box of things in our closet, and I imagine it will always be there.  Your pictures, a blanket, a bear, a lamb, cards of congratulations...and sympathy cards too.  Those are the things we have to remember you by.  We had so many hopes and dreams for you, and they were taken from us all too quickly.  You changed our lives forever.  You changed who your daddy and I are as individuals.  We haven't been the same since you, and, while that sometimes makes me sad, I wouldn't change it.  In your sweet life, you taught us so much.  We were blessed to be your parents, even though our time was much too short.

There are things in life I know we'll never understand, and losing you is one of those things. 

We love you.  We miss you.

Always,
Mommy

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